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I can't...I...uh AGH!

WRECKS IN TRAINING

They haven't totalled any cars, smuggled any guns into airports, or flashed any of their private parts at paparazzi...YET.

The Olsen Twins

Jennifer Lopez

Brittney Spears

The "Kind of Alternative One" from the Backstreet Boys

Gov. George Bush

Jennifer Love Hewitt

The "Kind of Alternative One" from N-SYNC

Rufus Wainwright

Minnie Driver

Geri Halliwell

All the Spice Girls except for Sporty

The "Kind of Alternative One" from Boyzone

Christina Ricci

Jennifer Anniston (Middle age will be cruel to her)

Mary Lou Retton

Rupert Everett

Lourdes Ciccone

Gwynneth Paltrow

The "Kind-of-Preppy" guy from Korn.

Ananda from MTV

The Youngest Hanson Brother

Amy Sedaris

Brandy

TRAINWRECKS #81-90

90. KOKO THE GORILLA

QUESTION: Do you like to talk to people?

KOKO THE GORILLA: Fine nipple.

Poor, poor, poor Koko. One may wonder why I would choose to include the first known gorilla to communicate in english (with the exception of half my graduating class)as a trainwreck.

The answer: have you ever READ interviews with Koko? Sure, she's been taught english, but she's also been taught how to "speak" english like a MORON. How's this for a quote - "BAD. TOILET." I mean, she sounds like that sad brain-damaged guy from Jan and Dean, fer chrissakes.

89. SAMANTHA FOX

Samantha Fox is just GROSS, although when you put her next to someone REALLY GROSS like Mariah Carey, she almost seems dignified. Fox was a slutty '80s bubblegum pop star who was in the same league as, say, STACEY Q. and NU SHOOZ (remember that foul barking dog "I Can't Wait" song? You could drive rats out of a building with that dirge).

Still, Sammie was pretty forthcoming about her station in life. She didn't pretend to be loftier than she was, and she carried the tart image as far as she could, until she was upstaged by LISA LISA AND THE CULT JAM in the late '80s. Still, Sam wasn't one of those chump glamour gals who'll do underwater wet-t-shirt videos, yet insist on being respected for artistic merits. No, Sam was a loud, proud skeeze who made no apologies.

Since her shot at pop divadum, Fox has continued to do nudie shots and porno. I recently saw that she was in a smut flick with none other than TRAINWRECK #91: ROBIN BYRD! Sometimes you can go to a record store and find some overpriced Sam Fox picture disc, which suggests that there may be some form of surviving fan base. For some, Miss Fox must be an A-1 WRECKording artist!

Sez professional Skagologist C. Lee, "professional tit-shower, extraordinarily bad taste in fashion, i look at her and all i can think is 'what a twat!' (as in bimbo, not genitalia)."

88. CHUCK BARRIS

Who can forget this little TROLL, not to be confused with Chuck Berry, who is another troll completely. But Mr. Berry is a trainwreck of a different track - let's focus on Mr. Barris, whose first initial should be M.

I used to watch THE GONG SHOW every day, and I loved its dumbed-down K-Mart-ified Studio-54 party vibe. Jaye P. Morgan was SUCH ballbusting club trash - always the first to gong, and always clad in some kind of spaghetti-strapped doily-dress, complete with a fringed shawl and wanna-be-Liza hairdo.

Jaye P. was the perfect foil for Chuck Berris, the host of THE GONG SHOW, who would stumble around, barely able to form words, but always willing to throw large objects when GENE, GENE THE DANCING MACHINE would make an uninvited appearance on stage (Gene, Gene was my favorite - I used to throw my Star Wars toys at the TV screen when he came on the show).

Chuck was a Good Time Charlie...or, well, a Good Time CHUCK...or, more to the point, A GOOD TIME WRECK. He always had swollen, squinty eyes, a big ol' cheesy perma-grin, and the equilibrium of Katherine Hepburn. Fortunately there was always some boobly bikini model standing near him to catch him whenever he started to topple.

Sez professional Skagologist C. Lee: "Creepy, drunk or high for every gong show, advocate of the marginally talented, ringleader, party animal, looks like he'd have a lot of pubic hair, a real big bush, a teetering but good-natured wreck. I can picture him naked with jaye p. morgan, in bed with three or four other bodies, snorting coke off somebody's bare ass."

DID YOU KNOW: Chuck Berris wrote and performed the marginally memorable song "Palisades Park"? This is yet another reason to confuse Chuck BerrIS with Chuck BerrY.

87. STEVEN TYLER

Steven Tyler once pushed past me when I went to see a movie in midtown Manhattan. Let me tell you, it was kind of scary. At first, I thought it was someone wearing a Steven Tyler rubber mask. Then I realized it was the REAL THING (emphasis on THING).

Steven Tyler, the lead singer of Aerosmith, is a trainwreck in part because he wants us to think he's a trainwreck. It's a very rock'n'roll kind of thing to be a trainwreck. You know, the whole "I'm so tragic and I'm a survivor" kind of thing. It kind of takes the fun out of awarding him a Trainwreck Medal.

Still, here's what changed my mind. This is the INTERACTIVE portion of today's Trainwrecks installment:

Imagine your father. Got the picture in your head? Good. Imagine him in a tight neon spandex (or perhaps lycra) bodysuit, with little scarves tied around his arms and legs. Now, picture Dad with an old-school Joan Jett hairdo, complete with bandana around the forehead. Got that mental image locked in? Okay. It's not over yet:

Imagine yourself going through life with the repeated experience of bumping into someone on the street who you realize, by way of their huge lips and beady eyes, is yet another sibling of yours.

This is what it's like to be LIV TYLER.

SKAGologist C. Lee speaketh: "Because he is a fucking nightmare. because he has bred far too much. because he is GROSS."

86. INGRID SISCHY

I got an anonymous vote for this one, which I hadn't even considered at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized she should be included. The e-mail I got said, "She is a stupid cooze. Took a really cool magazine and ran it into the ground. Trite, annoying, speaks with that breathy, self-important stream-of-consciousness tone that gives equal importance to major world happenings and, like, Brittney Spears. A shallow twat who thinks she's deep. Edie Brickell is deeper than this bitch. (I would like to drown her in the deep.) And send her the name of a decent hairstylist as well, Christ. Dumpy dyke."

I recently saw Ingrid Sischy on a TV special about Madonna, and she was sqwonking away about the ICONIC and TIMELESS qualities of the "Shanghai Surprise" star. Her soundbyte must have lasted at least half the show, because SHE WOULD NOT SHUT UP. They couldn't even edit her speech, because her mouth was moving so fast. And so you're sitting there, waiting for her to shut up so you can get on with watching the show, and the double torment is that she's so VISUALLY UBER-DUMPY that the visual element is just as painful as the audio torture spewing from her mouth.

Every time I've read something she's written, it's ALWAYS completely autobiographical and self-indulgent. She has an amazing flair for using gallons of ink to say absolutely NOTHING.

Oh yeah, and she crucified a once-really cool magazine that Andy Warhol created. Can't forget that.

85. FLORENCE HENDERSON

I always feel sorry for actresses who are known for portraying wholesome, loveable TV moms, yet feel that the best way to hold on to their careers is by making shock value appearances in movies where they act all ghetto and slutty. The classic example of this is in the movie AIRPLANE, where poor June Cleaver talks jive like a straight-up ho.

Florence Henderson, TV's Mrs. Brady of THE BRADY BUNCH, is no stranger to this phenom. In the movie SHAKES THE CLOWN, she played a nymphomaniac who craved sex with BOBCAT GOLDTHWAITE IN A CLOWN SUIT, and recently, in the Eddie Murphy flop HOLY MAN, she said to Eddie's character, with a proud smile, "SUCK ME!"

On top of all this, I recently learned that Florence had many nervous breakdowns in the past, and after much therapy, became comfortable with the potty-mouthed side of her wessonality. And of course, who can disregard all those yucky rumors about her and Barry "Greg Brady" Williams getting it on back in the day?

Personally, I bet Florence would be a hoot to party with. Just don't break her vase while playing basketball up in the house, or else she will GO OFF on your ass.

84. MARK HAMILL

Isn't Mark Hamill just the saddest, most pathetic, most obvious example of a living tragedy you can think of right now (well, except for, like, ME)?

Well, okay, he's only 84th most obvious example of a living tragedy, but DAMN. Check him out in STAR WARS as Luke Skywalker - he is F-O-I-N-E: FINE! Hell, back in 1977, if I had hormones and fully-developed sexual organs, I'da done him. That blond hair, them tan tights, the tunic with the plunging neckline - YUM. Okay, so he was really whiney and his acting was about as stable as the Hindenburg. STILL, he was cute and he was in one of the biggest flicks of all time.

Then, after Star Wars, he made a dumb-ass movie called "Corvette Summer," atoned slightly by starring in a stage production of "The Elephant Man," then got in an accident that deformed his face and made him get all puffy, so that by the time he was in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, he looked like Spanky from "The Little Rascals."

In an online interview, Hamill was asked if he was asked to participate in the Star Wars prequels. Not-So-Young Skywalker replied, "apparently, for nine dollars, they'll let me watch it." AND THEN, he was caught by paparazzi this year at an advanced screening of THE PHANTOM MENACE, and when the reporters asked his opinion of the movie, he started running from them. They chased him across the street until he disappeared down an alley.

May the WRECK be with you, Luke!

83. LISA WHELCHEL

I include Lisa "Blair from Facts of Life" Whelchel as a trainwreck, simply for this bizarre little potpourri of reasons:

* She not too long ago was spotted in an infomercial for a wanna-be thighmaster, and she had the same Olivia Newton John "Physical" haircut that she sported in her early-to-mid '80s TV series!

* She's a Christian Contemporary recording artist.

* On Facts of Life, she had to endure filming episodes with her dykey comedian cousin Jeri, who did a nightclub act centered around her cerebral palsy.

* With the exception of Mindy "Natalie" Cohn, Blair's the only Facts of Life gal who didn't experience at least modest success after the show was cancelled (courtesy of a death blow by last-season gorgon CLORIS LEACHMAN). Because Mindy never really TRIED for a comeback, she is exempt from trainwreck status. Because Lisa Lisa did the Informercial Jam, she's now finding out that the WRECKS of Life are all about HER!

RELATED TIDBIT: I talked to a friend on the phone not too long ago who said they knew someone in California who once saw Mindy "Natalie" Cohn at a Taco stand, and that she was joylessly mowing down a stack of tacos, looking like quite the paranoiac amid glimpsing west coast taco-eating Natalie fans. I still don't think Mindy's a trainwreck. A minor derailment, perhaps.

82. DALE BOZZIO

She started out in the early '80s as a watered-down Wendy O. Williams wanna-be (electrical tape over the nipples, Dale? How original..). Then, one kinda-hit later, her band Missing Persons broke up and she became a frizzed out west coast trembling hag-shack. See her on VH1's "Where Are They Now," which is the final nail in any has-been's career coffin.

REDEEMING POINTS: She seems like she'd be a cool mom.

81. KIRSTIE ALLEY

Oh, Kirstie, Kirstie, Kirstie. WHERE does one start with Kirstie? Well, let's start with a few words from SKAGologist C. Lee:

"One night I came home really fucked-up (yeah, just that ONE night). I wanted the tv on but didn't want to HEAR it. Flipping through the channels, I stopped on some talk show, I think it was Jay Leno, because I couldn't BELIEVE what he was sitting next to...KIRSTIE ALLEY! I remembered when kirstie was allegedly "sexy," like in 1982, and marveled at the great expanse she is now, meanwhile all decked-out in something resembling a muu-muu colliding with a victoria's secret catalogue. I don't know what she was saying, cuz the volume was down, but she was laughing, a lot, and throwing her head back very rehearsedly, ingratiating herself to Jay and the audience. In my drug- and alcohol-enhaned stupor, I feebly grabbed for a notepad and scrawled down a few observations. I then went to bed and forgot all about it. In the morning, I found a notepad near the tv that read, in big, chicken-scratch-style letters: KIRSTIE ALLEY IS A PIG!"

And, of course, I have my OWN Kirstie anecdote - my friends and I used to use her name as a euphamism for anal sex: "Did he go up your Kirstie Alley?" But that has less to do with her trainwreck status and more to do with ours.

Meanwhile, Kirstie the roomy scientologist has made a trademark of her "freshly-fucked" messy hairdo, her Wreckallonia Plus loungerie wardrobe, and the fact that it all began with her playing a vulcan in a Star Trek movie. A vulcan IN SEE THROUGH LACE (piss off, Trekkies, I'm making it up - duh).

Although anyone involved with the LOOK WHO'S TALKING movies deserves instant trainwreck status, Kirstie gets an extra boost (whee!) for her toxic, overwrought performance in the flick "Deconstructing Harry," where she shrieks like a chain-smoking banshee and beats the crap out of Woody Allen, all the while looking like some mourning syphyllic grandmama from a Chekhov play.

CHEERS, Kirstie - welcome to the place where everyone knows YOU'RE A WRECK!

ESCAPE ROUTES

Anxiety's Toxic Snowglobe
There's No Place Like Home...
The Table of Malcontents
Back to Trainwreck Central
Trainwrecks #100-91
The most well-adjusted of the maladjusted.