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DESCRIPTION: Obscenely rich art gallery owner's divorcee; obsessed with plastic surgery; currently divides her time between being a socialite and being a middle-aged club-kid. WRECK VALUE: Reportedly underwent massive plastic surgery so she could look like a cat; rarely spends under $5,000 for any given article of clothing; constantly looks like she's surprised, not unlike how a parrot always looks like it's smiling; the fortune she enjoys from her ex-husband's art galleries has been allegedly linked to Nazi war crime art thefts; has been seen hanging out with a gal-pal who is as grotesquely plastic-surgeried as she is (kind of a macabre Patsy and Edina); frequently scares small children; requested extra money for plastic surgery in her divorce settlement (she was denied this); stated in court that she required a team of domestic servants because she did not have the skill or know-how regarding tasks such as boiling a kettle, lighting a stove and making toast. DEVIL'S ADVOCACY: Managed to dis her husband's adultering ass by winning hundreds of thousands of dollars in yearly alimony payments; also won many of their vacation properties, located throughout the world.
SUPPORTING QUOTES: "I am trying to find out how I can work to get money." - Jocelyne Wildenstein "This woman is absolute horror." - Rould Felder, Alec Wildenstein's attorney
MICHAEL JACKSON DESCRIPTION: Alleged "King" of alleged "Pop"; brother of LaToya, Tito and Rebbie; husband, father, all-around family man; star of the film "Captain EO"; furthered the careers of Emmanuel Lewis and MacCauley Culkin; owner of Beatles' song catalog. WRECK VALUE: Rivals Jocelyne Wildenstein for most horrific plastic surgery issues; many have alleged that they have seen his nose "fly" or "melt" off of his face; produced a music video in which he smashed a car with a hammer while grabbing his crotch repeatedly; no stranger to child-molestation allegations; marriage to Lisa Marie Presley was one of the most famous examples of spin-control in the history of popular culture; the second most famous example would be his subsequent failed marriage to surrogate mother/Sally-Jesse-Raphael-guest-waiting-to-happen Debbie Rowe; the air his children breathes is routinely checked for germs and their playthings are discarded as soon as they touched the ground; named his two children PRINCE and PARIS - despite their wealth, they are each guaranteed at least one beating during their lives because of their goofy names; during plastic surgery sessions, his doctor would pull down Jackson's pants and "expose and obscenely manipulate the patient's penis while thoroughly scrutinizing it" to see if he had a "distinctive identifying mark", and then would turn ahead clocks while Jackson was anesthetized, so as to overcharge him; when entering Jackson's bedroom, one must pass mannequins of a boy scout and a girl scout; the hyperbaric chamber; the ownership of David "Elephant Man" Merrick's skeleton; Bubbles the Chimp, who was turned over to a wildlife preserve after Jackson complained of physical abuse from the monkey; attempted to build an amusement park in the middle of an airport in Warsaw, Poland; has been known to put on a disguise and go door to door with Jehovah's Witness brochures; sold pictures of one of his own children to the National Enquirer for $2 million; fondness for surgical masks; wrote a theme song for Siegfried and Roy; proposed his own line of ice cream with special ingredient of rhinoceros saliva. DEVIL'S ADVOCACY: Anyone strong enough to admit it will confess to wanting a "Beat It" jacket in the early '80s; succeeded in the funkiest portrayal of a film scarecrow; made aviator glasses seem cool for a while; lent relevance to Brooke Shields for a while; "Don't Stop Till Ya Get Enough" and "Wanna Be Starting Something" are darn hip songs.
SUPPORTING QUOTES: "I'm not a Jacko. I'm Jackson. . . . 'Wacko Jacko.' Where did that come from?" "There's no denying he's got a lot of baggage." - Danyel Smith, editor of VIBE magazine "I like Batman a lot, but if I could choose one superhero I would be, it would be Morph, from the X-Men. He can become anything. He constantly transforms himself. I think he can even teleport, which is interesting and exciting to me. He's not as popular as the others, but that makes him exciting." "We can fly, you know. We just don't think the right thoughts and levitate ourselves." "I'd rather look like a cow than a space-alien drag queen." - Madonna "I like to imagine talking with them." - Jackson, on the subject of his six dress-me-up mannequins. "He's the perfect picture of a child molester." - (fellow trainwreck) Roseanne "I'm not calling myself Jesus--I'm comparing the stress and pressure to Jesus."
HOWARD HUGHES DESCRIPTION: Legendary film producer, aviator, philanthropist. WRECK VALUE: "Hughes spent almost all his time sitting naked in [his white leather chair] in the center of the living room – an area he called the ‘germ free zone’ – his long legs stretched out on the matching ottoman facing a movie screen, watching one motion picture after another. The same pattern was repeated in Las Vegas, made worse by a drug habit that included both codeine and Valium...X-rays taken during the Hughes autopsy show fragments of hypodermic needles broken off in his arms."(from www.socialhistory.org) "His eccentricities included setting up an army of private detectives to shadow all his girlfriends and many of his business associates as well." (from detnews.com) "One memorable story had Hughes locked in a screening room for 3 months eating only candy bars while watching the same film over and over. He refused to move from his chair and eventually he ended up being naked and horribly dirty since he never left the chair to take a shower. "Hughes had numerous flunkies who catered to his every whim. One cook was required to serve green peas that were a certain size. Hughes had a fork specially designed that would only hold a certain size pea - anything smaller would fall through. If a pea fell through the fork, Hughes would throw a tantrum, accusing the chef of being a traitor. "To the world he was merely a recluse because the people employed by Hughes did not talk to the press about their boss' condition. This led some people to believe that the staff Hughes employed were actually using Hughes' ailment to gain control of his financial empire. He eventually became so dependent on drugs that he couldn't leave his bed or eat, and died in April 1976 weighing less than 100 pounds." (from suite101.com) "When TWA sued Hughes, as the major shareholder, Hughes financed a lawsuit against himself. "As years passed Hughes became increasingly decrepit and irrationally paranoid. He surrounded himself with aides that he trusted, a group of seven Mormons which never left Hughes' side, (Howard believed Mormons were more trustworthy) and insisted that any item handed to Hughes be covered by a Kleenex." (from users.erols.com/dbarrese/) "His fear of germs was ever-present. To avoid them, he wrote out memoranda several pages long that set forth protocols for such matters as opening a can of fruit or taking an item from a cabinet. He spent hours cleaning his telephone. For a time he consumed only milk, Hershey bars, pecans, and bottled water, which an aide delivered each day in a brown paper bag and presented in a formal ritual. "He wore the same white shirt and brown slacks for weeks until one day he set them aside and went about naked. In 1958 he suffered an outright breakdown, throwing tantrums and babbling incoherently. "His hair rolled down his back, his beard trailed onto his chest, and his toenails were so long that they curled up. On many days the most he could do was travel between his bed and the bathroom. He seldom washed, and his surroundings grew exceedingly foul." (from www.americanheritage.com) DEVIL'S ADVOCACY: "He owned an international airline, two regional airlines, an aircraft company, a major motion picture studio, mining properties, a tool company, gambling casinos and hotels in Las Vegas, a medical research institute, and a vast amount of real estate; he had built and flown the world’s largest airplane; he had produced and directed "Hell's Angels," a Hollywood film classic." (from www.socialhistory.org) "Hughes designed a better garment to show off Russell's cleavage in 1943's "The Outlaw." Hughes built aircraft and interested some of his best engineers in designing the first cantilevered bra for Russell." (from CNN.com) SUPPORTING QUOTES: "Never make a decision. Let someone else make it and then if it turns out to be the wrong one, you can disclaim it, and if it is the right one you can abide by it." "Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of lather each time from individual bars of soap." "Play off everyone against each other so that you have more avenues of action open to you."
KLAUS KINSKI DESCRIPTION: Infamously volatile German actor; father of Nassasja; possible inspiration for Underdog cartoon villain "Simon Bar Sinister".
WRECK VALUE: Infamous for being impossible to work with; was at one point committed to an insane asylum; used to lock himself in the bathroom for up to 48 hours at a time, ranting non-stop and smashing everything in sight ("He smashed everything - the commode, the bathtub, the sink - you could sift the contents of the bathroom through a tennis racket." - Werner Herzog); toured Europe with a one-man spoken word show, in which he portrayed a raving, froth-mouthed Jesus while (as Jesus) telling his heckling audiences to "shut the fuck up" and calling them "pigs" before stomping off stage; detailed sexual activity/desires toward female relatives in his autobiography; had, by his own account, at least 162 sexual encounters with actresses, neighbors, whores, schoolgirls, lesbians, Israeli Army colonels, film extras and so on, and so on (only 162?). DEVIL'S ADVOCACY: Appeared in over 120 films during his life; worked with such diverse directors as Billy Wilder, David Lean, Menahem Golan, Jess Franco and Werner Herzog; wrote and directed a biographical film about Paganini; allegedly became a legendary actor with no formal schooling whatsoever.
SUPPORTING QUOTES: "I actually get venereal disease more often than most people catch colds." "'Why are you making such crappy films? You used to do better stuff,' the trashman calls over the fence of our villa as he picks up the trash barrel. I rub my fingers together to signify cash. He understands and smiles." "My head is one big garbage can where everything is jumbled around." "I absolutely despise the murderer (director Werner) Herzog. I tell him to his face that I want to see him perish like the llama he executed. He should be thrown to the crocodiles alive! An anaconda should throttle him slowly! The sting of a deadly spider should paralyze him! His brain should burst from the bite of the most poisonous of all snakes! Panthers shouldn't slit his throat open with their claws, that would be too good for him! No. Big red ants should piss in his eyes, eat his balls, penetrate his asshole, and eat his guts! He should get the plague! Syphilis! Malaria! Yellow fever! Leprosy! In vain. The more I wish the most horrible of deaths on him and treat him like the scum of the earth that he is, the less I can get rid of him!" "We had a great love, a great bond, but both of us planned to murder each other. Klaus was one of the greatest actors of the century, but he was also a monster and a great pestilence." - Werner Herzog ''Quite often it was very difficult to talk to him, because he answered back as Jesus.'' - Werner Herzog ''Every gray hair on my head I call Kinski.'' Werner Herzog "The Indians were scared of this mad man. At the end of shooting one day, one came up to me and said, 'Shall we shoot him for you?'" - Werner Herzog "People like Brando are just kindergarten compared with Kinski. He is totally mad and unpredictable. It's very hard to domesticate this wild man. I almost shot him it got so bad. There are rumors I directed him behind the camera with a gun. This is not true. He threatened to leave the set and I explained very calmly that I did have a rifle. He would reach the bend of the river, but with eight bullets."
ESCAPE ROUTES
Anxiety has
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